There's just lots going on and I just don't have the time to think of an appropriate title. So bite me.

I actually did a vlog at 1:49 AM yesterday to talk about what's been going on cause well.. so much has been going on and my brain's super messed up, I just seem to put it out in words. I suppose it's easier to talk about it cause you won't have to worry about spelling, punctuation, grammar, paragraphing and properly constructed sentences? Aiya.. whatever it is.. I'm not going to be uploading the vid cause uh.. YouTube doesn't allow videos more than 10 minutes. Mine's 11+. Zzz. But yeah.. wouldn't want to impose a supa emo and aimless vid on you guys. Can't let the world suffer like that, can I? :P

So yeah.. after doing some crazy shit recording with Vanessa Poo and Elys Poopie which got us laughing our asses of till 1:30 AM, I started talking about how I felt in front of the video recorder....... Of course, they were gone when I started.

Here's the summary/transcript:

Hello. Uhm. My life has been a crazy-out-of-the-world roller coaster ride. It's exhilarating but sometimes I wish I could just stop. And I guess that's prolly a reason why I haven't been blogging? There's just so much going on in my head and I can't seem to get it out properly.

I never imagine I'd be coming back on this note... Geez.. Where do I start? Ahh well.. last I blogged about FAME and I guess that was an up-lifter? But there was smth that happened just a week before FAME. I didn't talk about it cause I was overwhelmed by emotions and sorta engulfed in stress at the moment. On normal days, I would be able to cope with it... despite how training can be really wear us out. But yeah... it was manageable.

I'll cut right to the chase.

Just about 4 months into the year, I've been faced with 2 deaths already. First my boarding mistress, and now my uncle, who passed away a week before FAME. They told me he was gone but those words I stubbornly chose not to be true. I went back to Malacca hoping to find that what they said was just a lie... but I guess it wasn't. And you know I keep wishing it was a joke. I still do.. As screwed up a joke it may have been, at least it was just a joke.

My uncle lost his battle to cancer. It's kinda weird how it's already been 2 months since his passing. No longer will my uncle be nagging at me about my driving.. About how I should take care of myself... No longer will my uncle be asking me when I'd be coming back home... No longer will I be having Sunday morning breakfasts with him. No more Japanese buffet Saturdays. We were tight, y'know?

It's so strange cause just 2 days before he left this world, I was at the hospital and I was visiting him. He used to only come once a week for his chemo but his condition got worse so he's been here in Singapore for a while. So yeah.. the first thing he said when he saw me was to ask how was I doing. Kinda ironic, don't you think? There he was lying on the hospital bed, barely having the strength to open his mouth, and there he was, asking me how's the flu I was having. Pfft. Compare the relative seriousness of the situation...

The whole time I was at the hospital, I was looking out the window.. sorta tearing. It was crude; it's like saying "this is the end of the line".

Why couldn't I brave up? Why was I being selfish? Why couldn't I hide my pain like he was hiding his, just so that we can talk about the things that actually matter? Why didn't I give him a reason to fight on?

I didn't know how to go on from there... at least I saw him for the last time I guess? Mum said I could see him after my exams. (Yes, I was having exams that week.) But I said I wanted to see him.. Cause I didn't know when I'd be able to see him again...

It all feels so surreal. Incomprehensible. So, I went back to burying myself in tennis, tutorials, tests, exams, gigs, chores, etc. Not that I've been doing it well but yeah... which actually brings me to the next thing that I'm going to talk about.

Our national inter-school tennis championships just came to an end. Pfft. Can't believe season ended this way.. We made it to the finals but we came in 2nd, (2 seems to be a very bad number. lol) which shouldn't have been because... Okay. I don't know why... I don't know what went wrong but it just did. And you know the final moments... the decided victory for Victoria Junior College (we lost 2-3 btw) just keeps playing over and over again in my head. It's like a broken record player. Hell, I keep dreaming about it, like how I dreamt about my uncle for days after he passed. And I dunno.. I guess I'm just hoping that I wake up from this sorta little hell that I'm living? Pfft. It's like life has killed the dream that I've been dreaming off. And I don't even know why it hurts so bad... Gosh... I dunno. It feels so surreal. There's just so much to say and so little words to say how it feels.

I've heard a million possible renditions of how "medals will rust/disintegrate but the memories and bonds forged will last forever". But y'know we could have gotten those memories even if we got gold, right? So like what's the point?

I suppose the only thing consoling me is that it's easy to win as a team but to lose with your team... to go through the ups and downs (and not just the "up"s although you could consider Weber's physical trainings a "down") and still being able to stick together, still being able to be there for each other without question, I guess that is the real test. It tests you and it tests the team. I guess we're pretty solid. We're just strong like that, y'know? :)

Heh.. Raffles Tennis has proven to me that there ain't no team out there like our team. I'd gladly wear the colours of our college, greenblackandwhite, loudandproud because yeah.. there ain't no team like our team. And there ain't no team I'd rather play for. So yeah... I'd do this over and over again.

Of course, it would be great if we gotten our double gold like we did last year but we really had to... Like if losing meant having the chance to stand along side such amazing people then yeah... I would do it over and over again.

Pfft. I still don't know how it happened... It's like we trained so hard. And we played so hard. We've had a clean streak of 5-0s... all the way from the preliminary rounds. The only team out there... Of course, so did the boys who managed to win their gold. But yeah... even VJ didn't have that.

Ah well... finals. I can only imagine how the other girls are feeling.. Especially Jia and Lyn and all.. Their batch has been clinging on to the gold for 5 years in a row now. Final season? Zzz... What luck. What a way to end their tennis "career"...

But Clare was amazing on court though. I really admire her spirit. I wish I had the strength to fight on like how she did. She hurt not only her back, but her leg as well, when she rammed into the fence, while trying to reach for a ball. Yet, she continued to play on real hard.

Zzz.. through all the time spent on training... all that hitting.. all that running... all that sweat... all that vomiting. LoL. All the polaroids we took. All the memory cards we used up... And the stupid 58-moon-ball-rally matches we had to lines/umpire.. Yeah. I'd do it all over again. :)

I love my team. :D

Jia, Tessa, Lyn, Laura, Min, Cherise, Cheryl, Clare, Irina, Veron, Florence, Nancy; I love you girls a lot. Prolly one of the best things that ever happened. The guys too btw. And oh.. Jia Yan, Jac, Ollie, Nyon, Kim, Muzhi, Anas, Vanessa, Elys; thanks for being there for me that day. I'm really glad I've got so many people to love. ♥ :)))

(PS. Thanks Chris for the KitKat and Ms. Ng, thanks for the Cornetto. ^^)

Aish.. Just thinking about it, you guys really have a knack for making me feel loved. Hell, you guys are prolly the only reason why I look forward / drag myself to school everyday. :D

Which reminds me of the birthday celebration that I had. :)))

Well, technically, it was a celebration of uh... my last day of being 18 since it was on the eve? Marina Barrage was where we had it and it was great. We had a stayover after that at Chu Yi's and I really had a blast. We had pizza, fried chicken, cakeee, jelly, etc. We also flew kites. LoL. That was random. It kinda failed anyway. LoL. We played the guitar.. we sang. We laid on the grass, took loadsa pictures and admired the stars (and pretty Singapore skyline). It was a good day, I must say. :D

95% of my classmates made it. Some tennis friends.. some friends from boarding... and Jia Qi. Chups, Kalya, Tiff and Brian stay up to 12 with me so they could be the first to wish me happy birthday. But Shu Min, you called first. LoL. They were sorta pissed. Okay not really but yeah.. It was good. It was good talking to Tiff and Co. I had a great time. I had calls and texts from all over the world btw. Eileen from Aussie called me that day. Yee Shin who was in China.. Friends from home.. Asha and Feli.. Stef.. It was all good. :)

Btw. I had loadsa gifts that day but the most meaningful/moving one, I must say, came from Nyon, Ollie, Jia Yan, Jac and Muzhi. It's reaaally really pretty and I couldn't have asked for more. Of course, I gotta thank the Sisterhood as well for the Zoom Q3 they subsidized cause thanks to them, my future covers will have awesome quality audio. :D

Little updates! I went busking with Boyle outside ION Orchard last Saturday btw. It was to fund raise for a Care Centre down at Toa Payoh. It was an enriching experience. We played a lot of songs. Though we weren't really prepared cause we only have 1 and a half hours to prepare 12 songs that we haven't exactly touched before? LoL. There was a lot of forgotten-lyrics involved so yeah.. that was an experience. But good one nonetheless. I'm looking forward to more of that. ;)

We went for Raffles Jazz that night. Elys was great on the piano as usual. She's like some Orianthi on the piano. And Jasan. Also superb as usual.. he's like Maxim lah. He's the best. And just a couple of days ago, I went for Dine In The Dark with Siva and uh.. it was interesting. LoL. Anywhos, there's gonna be a carwash next week? I'll be doing it with Op Smile.. With Ollie. Should be fun. LoL. And oh.. I'll be performing at RIB Formal Dinner / Nite? Zzz. Have to go rehearse soon. My aunt's in Singapore... Zzz. I can't see her cause I've got rehearsal. Zzz. Hopefully I get to meet her over dinner tomoro. :) But anyways.. there's also gonna be RProject where we're gonna watch our dear Cheryl Fang fire up the runway.

Oh, I'm getting a German shepherd btw. Her name is Sasha. I don't usually give dogs human names.. I wanted to name her Kitty. Imagine a HUGE dog named "Kitty", ain't that just the cutest thing!? Haha. Oh wells... Mum wasn't too keen. And my uncle as well.. Cause it was his dog that gave birth.. so yeah. Can't wait to see herrr! *Sashaaa!*

Teehee~ What else? :)

Other than that, I guess it'll be post-season weight-gain and mugging madness to look forward to?

So yeah... that's my life -- tennis, studies, gigs, more gigs, events, unexpected events.

Heh.. what a life I've got, huh? ;)

What a life...

Ups and downs, downs and ups.

Prolly a little bit like yours.

Cause that's life, right?

Maybe the variables change..

But I hope you're enjoying it like I'm enjoying mine.

Life's filled with many unprecedented circumstances.

But at the same time,

Life's too short.

Have a great week ahead!

Stop whining like how I did and start living!

PS. I suppose another reason why I haven't been blogging lately is also cause I have been busy living my life. I suppose looking back, it's been pretty all right. I should try that more often. XD But anywhos.. related links will come up soon. LoL.