This won't do.

Wei Yi, this won't do.

You used to slack because you fully understood the topics you were being tested on. On top of that, the papers you used to sit for is nothing compared to what you're dealing with now. Clearly, just understanding the rough idea of your subject isn't going to do you any good. It's a whole different ball game now.

After your first common test, you knew you weren't doing anything at all and you knew you had to change that.

You did. But obviously it isn't enough. You know you can do better but you're obviously not doing that. Stop apologizing to people and making up excuses for yourself cause you're only giving yourself more reason to fail. Do you want to lose the scholarship? Do you not want to get into a good university?

Publically admitting your mistakes is one thing, doing something concrete about is it another.

Publically declaring your mistakes will only relieve yourself of the guilt you feel. You'd subconsciously make room for content you do not deserve. You'd fool and delude yourself into thinking that you've already done something to correct your shortcomings, but that's only a small step of the whole process.

You need a game plan.

You need an effective game plan and you really need to start thinking about working on it soon. Probably after promos... You're gonna need one for next year WHEN YOU PROMOTE to GET GOOD GRADES and to GET INTO A GOOD UNI. Simple English.

I'm sure that that's what you want, right?

But let's get this clear: do you think, or do you know? 'Cause based on what I know about the stubborn you, you'd always fight it all out for what you reaaally want and you usually do get it when you want it bad enough.

For all the times (although only a handful, given your laidback nature) you actually wanted something desperately enough and for all those times you ended up with success, it's clear that in spite of you being the visualizer most of your life, it's about time to put your ideals into action/reality.

Nevertheless, focus on your next 2 papers in the mean time and stop telling people you're gonna fail 'cause in creating space for failure, you just might give yourself more reason to fill that void by doing so. On top of that, doing so cushions the impact, thus making you believe for just one a whole lot of seconds that it's not that big a deal. You'd prolly only realise that when it's a tad bit too late. Your studies is all you need to worry about at this point in time... There are no bills or taxes or kids to take care of. Even putting it in math, you'd be able to find the level of significance simply astounding. (But I shan't discuss that now.)

There's no use in regretting.

During my basketball matches, my "coach", Bee Yuen, would tell us (in Chinese), "Stop apologizing. You say sorry (how many times) also no use lah." Infer, and you get "go out there and do something"!

I had to learn it the hard way... I lost the final match I ever played and prolly ever will in my life. As cliche as it is ('cause it's probably the way normal innately lazy beings work), I didn't understand what her words meant until the day I lost the chance to fix my mistakes. Had I stop giving myself excuses, had I been more aware of how much a simple basketball match could have meant to me and had I known how badly I wanted to win that match, it all could have been different.

Day by day, I feel that lesson slowly fading away. I don't want it to, but I don't know what I can do to stop that from happening. More often than not, I find my angers and frustrations short-lived. The sad thing about that is that it very well applies to my passion and ambitions as well. I don't want to regret the things I've done (or rather not done) in JC. Am I really doomed from repeating my mistakes once more? Do I really have to go through those lessons time and again to know what I really want?

This is not you. You used to be better. You should know better. You should be better.

Wei Yi, this won't do.

"When you fall, you gotta learn how to pick it up." - Mummy Dearest

PS. How I wish writing this would make it all go away, but I know I've got to face this sooner or later.

PPS. I feel like something's not being said...