Dull, but back from the dead.

I did not know how much the ASEAN Scholarship was worth until I really looked into what I was getting into. Tuition fees, meals, accommodation, travel fees, allowances; I was looking at a total sum of 100 grand. So much for that so called recognition... Well, I suppose this little hiccough is good for my big head, it shows that I need a little more substance to fill it up with.

SPM is just around the corner, 18 days and counting, to be exact. But here I am, sitting with the lappie on top of my lap, killing my time. You see, the thing is, I really don’t know what to do. There’s approximately 2 more weeks but I don’t whether I should read the book or do exercises. I’ve been doing some of them papers but I haven’t started on any of my sciences. I did a little bit of history but I haven’t completed that either.

I’m a forgetful person. It can be applied in many situations, but whenever there’s the good, there’s always the bad. Yes, it’s good in the sense that I can forget any painful memories, whatever I wish to bury. Sometimes, I also use it as an excuse to suck in certain things, of which, I can’t really think of right now. Perhaps, an argument with Mum, or anyone at all. Well, I can’t exactly help it if it takes ages for my brain to come up with certain particulars. But, is that all an excuse to allow myself to be dull-witted? Is that a reason why I’m so tongue-tied all the time? Because I allow myself to be that way?

Selective Memory Lost. The best damn thing a slacker ever invented. It allows me to forget how I felt when I couldn’t answer those questions during my Physics paper. It allows me to forget how I felt when lost a tennis match, or a basketball match for that matter. So yes, it allows me to forget how I felt when I felt disapproval and disappointment. Perhaps that is why I have no regrets. Perhaps that is also why I’m so familiarized with my best buddy, failure.

But again, that’s only half true. You can’t lose what you never had, so obviously, you can’t feel the soreness when you don’t expect anything in the first place. Failure is defined by the dictionary that’s sitting snugly on my rack as the ‘lack of success’ or the ‘omission of the expected reaction’. But if you set the bar _low enough, you’d definitely be able to go ^over it. So technically, that’s not failure, right?

Perhaps in a way, that’s the reason why I always get what I want, because in a nicer way of putting it, I know what I can want. However, do I really know, do I really believe in the things that I claim I can and cannot do?