on the verge of breaking down...

Ok, I don't know what's up with me right now. Days have been blue since yesterday and I don't quite know why. Maybe it's the folios i have to complete and i dont even know where to start. Or maybe it's about my friend. I think i've gotten over it. Maybe it could be the fact of the tuitions i dread or the training i have to go for for my upcoming tounies. I remember the last MSSM was just sad. You had to sleep with roaches and things just felt worse when someone spilled ink over your new tennis racquet, having find out that water was spilled in my bag and having everying wet or maybe the worse would be having some oversized head girl fit my brand new sunglasses my mum bought on to her oversized gorrila like head and having it snap into two pieces. A word "sorry" she didn't mean was added and then she just turned away. I'm feeling sadder at the moment. I need some one to talk to, but i don't know who to go to now.

Well, I am in JB now, at my friend's place. A family friend, since i was a little toddler. She's like a sister to me, really nice person. Friendly and you'd definitely feel home when you're with her. She's a newly wed (well, not that new actually.) with a lil toddler not even a year old. We were in S'pore yesterday with my mum and I. Was suppose to get my mp3 player but our priority was to get my S'pore PR I/C done and renewed for my mum. Carlton Dim Sum was the 2nd priority and the mp3 was put after those two were done.

We left JB at 9 in the morning, we arrived at about 10. So breakfast was our first stop. We went to C.H.J.I.M.E.S. It was closed, not opened till 1130 so we went to Carlton instead, the ideal stop. It was closed too, so we had to wait. While waiting, we went for a coffee [or hot chocholate]. Mum was speaking off me studying in S'pore again. And i don't like it when she speaks about it. I never liked S'pore. As a tourist or shopper, yeah, sure. But not as a student or a resident. Maybe it was the people i didn't like, or maybe it simply reminded me off my past. Not that it bothers me but it could be. The feeling was like in D2YC (that's a camp), i didn't like the atmosphere, i felt sick. But after some time i really enjoyed myself and thank my god ma and mum for not allowing me to quit. Well, i said, if i have to choice, i will go. But i'm still 15, i haven't finished my form 5, i have a choice to stay. Being after form 5, that's different, i have to go. Blame me for not taking this opportunity but i'm still a kid. I need my family, i need my mum, i need a place where i call home. That would be Malacca, a laid back life is all i need. I don't want to grow up so soon. I'm still a kid.

It wasn't all that bad until someone said something about friends, then i think about my life. I'm happy with my life. I don't want to change it just yet. I know i am a coward, but who is there to blame. My life in school is just simply fantastic, all the friends i need. My social status that i'm rather proud of. Who would want to change a life of someone who has all that she ever needs. I'm not a nobody, and i created myself step by step. I know after form 5 i have to start over, come to think about it, why not now? It'll be good if i move to S'pore, education wise and all. But i just don't. I might regret this someday but i just wanna live my life. I don't wanna leave my home just yet. There were tears down my cheek. I didn't feel so good. And i'm not feelign that good now.

I don't wanna go back to Malacca right now, i wanna stay in JB where i'm really carefree. No tuition, no training, no folios. But i have to go. I have to take control of my life. These are just lil things, why am i making such a big fuss about it? I really don't know why. Maybe i just am on the verge of a break down.

Yes, i am nothing but a coward when it comes to taking a step that'll change my life forever, good or bad. I will grow up when i have to, but right now, i'm proud to say that I'm just a kid, nothing more, nothing less.